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Random articles from last newsletters by month of release:

Volume 1, Issue 4 (October 2006)

Matron Tongue Tied in Freezer

 

Around the time the last newsletter was printed, an unusual incident took place in K-1.  Chief Matron Hawkins has been accused of being caught tongue tied with an inmate in the freezer.  Jail officials were scared to comment on the incident.  Officers say that the State Health Department has been contacted to make sure none of the inmates food has been exposed to foreign liquids or diseases.  "We are doing everything we can to insure that the food has not been contaminated."  Acting Chief Deputy Terry told reporters, "This is just a really sad incident where people doing their thing put innocent people in danger of catching V.D."  The inmates name has not been released at this time, however, the male was quoted on a comment card found in his cell that he received his service "with a smile."  Officials are still investigating the incident. 

 

 

Dispatchers' Found on Computer in Squad Room

Dispatcher Andy Sanders was in shock after seeing his and the late dispatcher's picture on the computers in the squad room.  "I was just shocked that someone was able to find that picture...  I thought that I had it hidden from everyone."  claimed Sanders.  Several officers enjoyed the picture so much that they printed off copies for themselves.  "I've sent a copy to Playboy in hopes of getting them to make a movie with the men and women of dispatch."  Officer Roberts said.

Missing Panties Breaks Heart

Around a week ago, Sgt Bret Connerly Noticed things a little out of place.  "I got home one morning after a long night at work, and saw that my safe had been opened.  It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest!"  Connerly said crying, "Please, oh god please, if you know where they are let me know.  I'll even write whoever finds them into one of my 40 page detective books and you can be the hero in the end, solving the theft of my missing stash.  Just make sure that you don't wash them before you give them back, I like cuddling with them and smelling them."  If anyone has any information on the missing panties, contact the jail between the hours of 11P.M. and 7A.M. at 277-2014

Animal Control: Dog Shot Dead, Still Alive

Recently during the Boogie, officers requested for Animal Control to assist them.  "That Pit-bull looked like he was going to lick me to death!" Ofc. Wiggly told reporters.  "Once I got on scene, I noticed the vicious dog looking right at me, I darted him as soon as i got out of the truck and it went completely through his leg, and I had to jump on the cab of my truck.  I've never been so scared in my life!"  Stockton wrote in his report, " I pulled my gun out and shot him four times from around five feet away.  He then ran into the woods and I was unable to retrieve his body."  The next day dispatchers received another call on the same dog advising that he was back.  "We were going to suspend him for missing the dog 4 times from 5 feet away..." Training Officer Potter said, "but then I realized I trained him."

Transport Officer Suspended

Recently a Jury Trial was taking place over a case of Child Molesting.  "It just makes me sick to think of what these guys do," Hayes shared, "why won't they try and hit on older boys like myself?"  Chad Hayes was suspended after pulling the inmate into the bathroom of the court house and assaulting him.  "I heard the Officer yelling "why him and not me" at the inmate."  A citizen watching the trail said, "I just couldn't believe that an officer would be so jealous over the inmate not wanting him."  Acting Chief Terry said "We couldn't let this just blow over because it took place in the public bathroom."

 

Volume 1, Issue 2 (September 2006)

Jailer quits part-time job, starts taxi service

Second shift Corrections Officer Rick King made headlines in the last edition of LCPD Times, and has found his way back into this edition.  He has quit his part-time job chasing semi-tractors and started his own business.  "I just feel like I'll get lucky more providing taxi service to ex-inmates" King told reporters, "I've already gotten a kiss from on and have pictures to prove it!"  This has caused a stir in the jail because King wears his jailer uniform while providing services to these people.  "The main reason I had a with Officer King was because Sgt Connerly brought it to my attention.  He claimed that kings actions has really upset him because he was in love with the ex-inmate."  Commander Foddrill told us.  " I wasn't making any money for providing these services, I'm just trying to get lucky."  King shared, "It's not like I was smelling her panties while she was still in jail."

Jailer claims to get attacked by new K-9

Sherry Emmick claims she was attacked by Asko, the new K-9.  "I was delivering food to dispatch and there he was"  Emmick tells LCPD Times, "he looked at me and raised his ears... It was just horrible.  I've never been so scared in my life."  as of Press time, Asko was unable to commit on the situation.

Dispatcher receives news about being new father

Dispatcher BJ McDowell found out that he can expect a new addition to his family.  "I just got screwed on the whole deal.  Andy sent Bridget to pick me up one day when I was having trouble with the brakes on my truck."  BJ said, "what is a guy going to do when the situation occurs and he is alone with a female..."  (In original newsletter, a picture was shown of BJ and Bridget and a photo enhanced image of what their child may look like...)

Losers Club announces President

In their efforts go get someone elected as president of the club,  Det Phil Wigley has announced that they have made a decision.  Kenny Johnson is the acting President right now  " I think it is only right," Wigley said of the decision, "the poor guy lost the love of his life to a former Dispatcher and to Ofc. Lonnie Johnson."  I have no comment on that subject because it really upsets me, but, I feel very honored to take the spot as the president of the losers club." Kenny revealed.

Captain's squad car taken away, replaced with a bus

When 6:30a.m. rolls around during the week, Captain Hornocker gets a horrible feeling in his stomach.  " The public thinks that I should take little fat girls to school..."  Hornocker explains, " I asked the woman on the phone if she wanted me to take the fat little bitch to jail, because that's what I do..."  Detectives have opened an investigation on just how many people Jim has taken to jail this year.  "So far we have went over the log from January to July, 7 months, and haven't been able to account for one subject..."  Slone tells reporters.  Acting Chief Terry stated in a meeting with commissioners that "Maybe Jim should be issued a school bus instead of a squad car so he can take the little bitches to school."  "If they give me a damn school bus to drive, I'll just have dispatch see if the state has a unit to pick them up..." Hornocker said.

Inmate takes over jail with toothbrush

A Lawrence County Inmate was accused of taking the jail hostage with a stick recently.  "I saw the inmate run up the step in booking with what appeared to be a toothbrush."  Officer Beavers stated in his report.  Apparently the inmate threatened to brush all of their teeth if the didn't stay back.  " I was unsure if the toothbrush was clean, so I went along with his demands"  Beavers explains, "the inmate then demanded that I give him a hug so he could go back to his cell..."  After giving Officer Beavers a hug, the inmate then went back to his cell and shut the door himself.  "We were just glad nobody got hurt in the incident"  acting Chief Terry Told LCPD Times in a press release.

Third shift Sergeant turns to poetry

Sergeant Johnson received news not long ago that he has been accepted into the Hallmark hall of shame for a poem he wrote.  "I actually came up with it from a text message I sent Lisa one night..." Lonnie said.  Hallmark officials claim Johnson's poem "Nobody knows the wonder that I feel when I'm inside you" may not be suitable poem for young audiences, but is sure to hit the spot with adults.  "I heard part of the poem on the recorded phone line.  It truly moved me." Lt. Andy Sanders stated.  Hallmark says they plan to release the poem on one of their "thinking of you" cards sometime this fall.

 

Volume 1, Issue 1 (May 2006)

 

Notice to all officers: It's that time of the year again, all this rain is making area roadways, creeks and rivers flooded. In our next issue, we will talk about how to free yourself from your police car if you mistake it for a boat! **Be Sure to check out our interview with water safety instructor Officer Elliott...

Sheriff Election News

Since May 2, 2006, several LCPD employees are uncertain of their future at the department.  "We were going to start a loser club, but we realized we couldn't get anyone elected as president o fthe club..." Detective Wigley stated shortly after hearing news that him and his fellow workers, and candidates didn't win the election.  "I'm in the process of asking BPD to send someone over to take the spot as president of the club, however, so far they have told me that they can't find a big enough loser there to fill the position.

Officer on light duty with Carpel-Tunnel

DARE Ofc Dusty Johnson has been moved from his normal duties to light duty following a terminal case of Carpel-Tunnel.  "They (Doctors) say that the pain to my wrist is from using it too much..." Johnson states, "They told me to start switching hands so that it will ease the pain in my right wrist..."  Johnson adds, "I'm not very good with my left hand, but I guess practice makes perfect." It hurts so bad that he can't walk around the department chasing his Sergeant while he is on station.  Johnson has been moved to day shift due to his light duty status.  "I can't wait until I can go back to my normal business.  I really miss talking to Dave."  Johnson shared with reporters.  When asked about his coworker, Flynn stated " You can do without your partner if you have a good hand, and mine was doing just fine until Dusty left..."

Can't we all just get along

"Why Can't we be friends?" is the question of the month in dispatch.  Near the beginning of the month, two dispatchers were accused of being criminally rude to callers on the phone.  "I just asked her if she wanted me to send the SWAT team out..." stated one of the communication officers while being interrogated by detectives following a possible drunk driver call gone bad.  Other dispatchers are really starting to feel the love after several workers at the department signed the "why can't we be friends?" petition hanging on the wall.  For more information or to sign the petition your self, go to www.lawrencecountysheriff.com and send a letter directly to the Sheriff.

 

Animal Control Officer seeks spot on Animal Cops

Lawrence County citizens have noticed fewer dogs sitting in their yards in the past few months and more road signs getting replaced along the roadways.  Animals are no longer allowed to bark, due to new animal rules placed by Animal Control/Pot Hole Inspector Stockton.  "I'll even issue a ticket to an owner for having their dog confined with an underground fence."  states Stockton, "I keep hoping that they will give me a tin badge to wear so I can be a real cop."  Stockton is seeking his own spot on Animal Planet and has applied directly with Animal Planet headquarters.  "I think what he is doing is great..." a spokeswoman from the TV channel claimed, "but, I really don't see a spot on our station for a guy saving the citizens roads from pot holes."  To have your roads inspected, call the Animal Control Officer today at 275-3316.

 

Jailer finds new part-time job

Second shift correction officer Rick King has dedicated his off time to his new job.  "I really enjoy chasing Semi Drivers around in my P.O.V." King states, "I am still working on getting them to pull over for me when I flash my headlights at them."  Johnnie's Junctions has noticed a significantly lower rate of semi drivers using their lot to sleep.  "I've insisted on King not wearing his Jailer uniform while working for us, but he claims it makes him feel more like a cop."  A manager at the gas station told reporters.  King claims that the company is still looking to fill a position that would allow someone to work as King's partner.  "We just don't want to see the poor boy get hurt since it is such a dangerous job..."  the gas station told us.  If your interested in the position, email copwannabe@semichaser.com
This site contains stories about true things that have happened at the Lawrence County Sheriff Department, however, even though the just of the story is true, it is meant to be a joke.  LCPD Times is no way affiliated with the Lawrence County Sheriff Department or its employees.